I removed my metal armor

My piercings have always been a part of me. As long as I’ve been able to make the choice to get pierced, I don’t feel like myself if I’m not wearing my jewelry. When I found out I was pregnant I removed my body piercings almost immediately. As much as I loved them, loved looking at myself with them, I told myself that I was changing and that was okay. I didn’t want to keep them in. That was me for ten years. I loved her, I cherished her, I took so many photos. But I didn’t want to cling to her. She had her time to live and breathe and run. She was me; I was her, but I was okay with moving on. I was happy to become a new woman with piercings in different places. And when I lost my pregnancy, I spent the first five days trying to shove my belly button ring back in. After every hot shower I’d attempt to guide it back into place. I’d go slowly, I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, but I was trying to be who I was before. If I could just get it through the scar tissue then maybe I could go back to the carefree, untraumatized person I once was. I didn’t want to be a woman who lost, I didn’t want to be broken, I didn’t want to feel empty. I desperately tried to repierce myself, but it was too late. The hole was closed. That part of me was over. As much as I wanted to go back to being that person that didn’t know tragedy like this, I couldn’t. So eventually I stopped trying. Because I wasn’t her anymore. I wasn’t carefree. I wasn’t ignorant to the great losses of the universe anymore. And that was okay too. As much as I didn’t want to be that person, I was. I had bled, wailed, lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore, but I certainly wasn’t that woman who wore metal as an armor anymore. I was soft and squishy. Inside and out. I was a new person, who felt everything so much more deeply than I ever had before. I had to face the new me. There was nothing wrong with her, she just hurt so bad. She was new and sad and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to carry that with me, but I had to. I have to. I am new. I am shattered and lost, but I am here. I no longer want to go back to the pre, but I do miss her sometimes. I know she cares about me, and wants me to move on. She was strong, she still is, just in other ways. She wore her armor on her body, but I wear my armor on my heart.