Shedding My Shell at Last

I never thought I was a perfectionist. Honestly, the topic would come to mind, I’d do a little research, and I’d come to the conclusion that it wasn’t me.

The other day I caught myself thinking, literally, “Everything has to be perfect!”. I was home alone, doing dishes. There were no guests coming over.

It was my biggest moment of self-awareness I’ve had in a long time. I had to stop myself because this unraveled so much. Almost all my anger, desperation, and feelings of loneliness stemmed from the root of this problem. This idea that everything I do must be perfect. It had finally weaseled its way to the surface, baring all it's glory for me to see. It was dark and left me damaged. It was rough. I realized that the expectations I felt through the gaze of everyone around me were actually my own thoughts that I projected onto them. As I felt I didn’t do enough, I blamed it on the ones I love. I swear I could hear the disappointment in their voice. Or could I?

“Everyone has such high expectations for me! I am never enough! What’s wrong? Is something wrong? Did I get everything done?”

It was disappointment from within, though. If I was perfect no one would have anything to complain about. No one would be upset, or make me feel like I was lazy (naps are for the weak I’ve always believed)! And when things weren’t perfect, when they didn’t go the way I wanted them to, I’d spiral into a fit of rage or sadness. I felt alone, like I was the only one going so above-and-beyond. Why didn’t others care as much as I did? Why couldn’t you do this right the first time?

“Shit, my dog is barking at those people! My training wasn’t good enough. They are going to hate me. They are going to think I don’t deserve to own a dog!” Then ensues the meltdown. I might even yell at my dog. And if the barking didn’t draw attention, that sure did. In the end I embarrass myself more than a barking dog ever would have. And I hurt my relationship between me and my dog, all because I needed to be perfect. I needed them to be perfect.

Perhaps meant to protect me at one point- being perfectly behaved, getting everything right the first time, forfeiting rest and relaxation to get the job done in a timely manner- but these thoughts and actions don’t benefit me anymore. I am an adult. And this is my house. No one is going to yell at me. No one is going to disown me or withhold love, and if they do I am a grown-up with plenty of support. I don’t have to be afraid of being imperfect. I don’t have to live in fear of making a mistake.

Perfectionism isn’t realistic.

This isn’t okay for me to feel.

So I’m done living behind this curtain of perfectionism I’ve become comfortable behind. I’ve started this because I don’t want to hide myself anymore. I have things to share, stuff to create.

I’ve been so afraid to create. Because it won’t be perfect. Not everyone will be able to appreciate it. But I’ve deserted numerous ideas, ignored every ounce of inspiration, and been prevented from expressing the way I feel for years.

Because “What are people going to say?”

That’s the thought I have at abandon.

What are people going to say?

I don’t care now. I never should have cared.

And you shouldn’t either. Don’t let the barriers inside your own head stop you from being you.

It is a fact that some people will not like you, or what you create, or what you do. Some people will tell you you’re making a mistake, moving too fast, or in over your head. It might even be from people that you expected to support you the most- your family and friends. Some people will try to stop you with their own insecure projections. That’s okay though. I reassure myself. Reassure yourself too. It’ll be okay. There's always a hater. Everyone has an opinion, and yours is the only one that matters. If you care too much about how you’ll be perceived you’ll get caught in the web of perfectionism like I was for so long. You don’t deserve to internalize that.

Everyone has an opinion. Don’t let theirs be yours.

CeZe